[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 6 -- PETE, part 1
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Version 0.4
26 March, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
Credits for corrections:
Brett Dunbar
[-- 1 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- 2 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- 3 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, GOVENOR ACKERMAN present]
[ENTER LISTER, RIMMER]
HOLLISTER
I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected
officer yesterday.
RIMMER
That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir -
Oh, I *see*...
HOLLISTER
What happenned?
LISTER
We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his
asthma inhaler, sir.
HOLLISTER
Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for
being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's
wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit...
RIMMER
Permission to snigger, sir?
HOLLISTER
Permission refused.
RIMMER
May have to snigger anyway, sir...
[The pair bow their heads and proceed to do just that]
HOLLISTER
Do either of you have anything to say?
LISTER
About what, sir?
HOLLISTER
About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit?
LISTER
Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker.
HOLLISTER
You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you *want* to
get out? Ever?
LISTER
It's that Mister Ackerman's so... ... *horrible*, sir.
ACKERMAN
I am *not*, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm; caring, but
most of all, nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered
the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with *inmate scum*
who didn't have my start in life.
RIMMER
Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him:
[-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Flashback to the Dwarfer's first day in the Tank. The inmates are lined
up at the base of a circular chamber]
ACKERMAN
Today, we have a new intake. To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of
trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor
13.
CAT
Seems like a nice guy!
[ACKERMAN steps up to CAT, suddenly elbows him in the stomach, thumps him
several times with his nightstick, then hauls him to his to his feet]
ACKERMAN
If you want to speak, ask my permission.
CAT
I was just saying how nice you seemed!
ACKERMAN
You spoke again.
[Enter WARDEN KNOT]
[ACKERMAN and KNOT proceed to beat CAT with fists and nightsticks, drawing
winces from RIMMER and LISTER. ACKERMAN draws CAT upright again]
CAT
But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to
be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you
sometimes get running around prisons.
[ACKERMAN seems concerned that somehow he is being misunderstood, but this
soon passes in favour of an amused smile]
ACKERMAN
You spoke again!
[He and KNOT lay into the clueless feline once more. A guard from the rear
of the lines joins in. CAT struggles to reach up and tap LISTER on the
shoulder]
CAT
Come on, dude, back me up!
[LISTER does his best to ignore events, and left to his own devices, CAT
suddenly realises something]
CAT
Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop
hitting me.
[CAT takes a deep breath and exaggeratedly clamps his mouth shut. Instantly
his assailants stop their blows. ACKERMAN nods approvingly, sets CAT back
onto his feet and stands him back in line. CAT smiles with satisfaction at
working out this conundrum]
CAT
That is definitely the key!
[CAT is grabbed from behind by ACKERMAN, KNOT and the guard, and a second
GUARD steps in to assist in the renewed pummeling]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[HOLLISTER, ACKERMAN, RIMMER, LISTER present]
ACKERMAN
That is totally untrue, sir!
HOLLISTER
Save it.
ACKERMAN
What actually happenned -
HOLLISTER
Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman.
I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up
with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play Basketball against a
team of guards led by Mister Ackerman -
ACKERMAN
God bless you, sir.
HOLLISTER
- where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate
population.
RIMMER
But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp!
HOLLISTER
You better win, then!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
[Lister's team losing badly, guards body-checking and punching them]
[Half-time sounds]
[Score 48-3 to guards]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Okay guys, way to go!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
Where were you?
KOCHANSKI
Where was I?
KRYTEN
You were supposed to be picking up Rice!
KOCHANSKI
I did. We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday.
KRYTEN
Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny.
CAT
Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this!
LISTER
Got it all taken care of...
RIMMER
As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice...
LISTER
Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for
us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their
love lives?
KRYTEN
'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!?
LISTER
That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks.
RIMMER
Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't
wear off for seven hours.
KRYTEN
For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN [OOS]
That's going to seriously slow them down.
CAT [OOS]
You're not kidding -
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
CAT
Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Go on, go get 'em!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Dwarfer's team running rings round guards, who can't stand straight or move
fast]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Come on! Get your hands up!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[48-5]
[48-19]
[48-36]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[48-42]
[48-49]
[48-53]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Thoroughly depressed, HOLLISTER takes a long draw from a guard's bottle of
juice, and within seconds notices a distinct feeling of movement in his
trousers]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[Enter RIMMER, LISTER]
HOLLISTER
Seven hours. Do you know how *long* that is? I couldn't remove my shorts
until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the
toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a
lift!
Where'd you get it, the medi-lab?
LISTER
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER
How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed.
LISTER
It was, er - [coughs]
It was me, sir. When the doc's back was turned. I went up to the medi-lab
for a sicknote but the doctor thought I was feigning illness. He didn't
accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand.
HOLLISTER
First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks. Now get out of my
sight, both of ya's...
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
[RIMMER has a draughts board in front of him on the table; he makes a three-
hop move, removes the captured pieces and glances over toward LISTER]
RIMMER
Ha!
[RIMMER carefully rotates the board 108-degrees, and flexes his arms before
settling down to contemplate his opposing move. LISTER is sprawled out on
his bunk, a pen hovering over the book he is looking at]
LISTER
Sheesh...
RIMMER
Stuck?
LISTER
Yeah... God, this is hard!
RIMMER
What are you doing, a crossword?
LISTER
No, join-the-dots.
RIMMER
What number are you stuck on?
LISTER
Hundred and twenty-four.
RIMMER
Hundred and twenty-four... hundred and twenty-four...
Have you tried a-hundred and twenty-five?
LISTER
I know the number, you gimboid, it's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm
not some brain-dead simpleton.
Ah! There it is.
Oh, look at that! It's a bucket and spade!
[LISTER holds the completed picture up for RIMMER's inspection]
LISTER
Look at that, it's clever that, innit?
[Enter GUARD]
RIMMER
Ah! Supper!
[Exit GUARD]
RIMMER
Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.
RIMMER
I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses. Only a
total idiot would eat this.
[RIMMER ponders for a moment, then takes a forkful]
RIMMER
They call this meat?? My grandmothers buttocks deep-fried in chip fat
would taste better than this.
LISTER
We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics.
RIMMER
Because we're on punishment detail?
LISTER
Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have
gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.
RIMMER
You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you.
LISTER
He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it.
RIMMER
Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal.
LISTER
His starter sneezed! Jimbo Steele was a witness.
RIMMER
Kill Crazy's insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every
time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they
don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway: for
fear of skid starts.
[LISTER thinks about this, and shrugs]
LISTER
He's probably right.
RIMMER
Course he isn't.
LISTER
Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then?
RIMMER
I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let
you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your
cheese.
LISTER
Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flightpath
are always so cheap.
RIMMER
Cos of all the flushing planes?
LISTER
Yeah, well, think about it: you can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue,
and every time you go out you've got to wear a washable hat and leg it to
your car.
RIMMER
It's the noise. That's why houses under the flightpath are so cheap;
because of the noise.
LISTER
The noise?
RIMMER
Yeah.
LISTER
They're half a mile up. You'd never be able to hear people on the loo from
that distance. Not unless they were like my Uncle Dan.
RIMMER
Not eating?
LISTER
Yeah, yeah. In a minute.
[quiet taps are heard]
[Lister opens a roof panel, and a Skutter leans in holding a foil covered
container. Lister takes it, opens it and breathes deeply]
LISTER
Ooohhhh, chicken vindaloo...
Nice one, Bob.
[The Skutter disappears, then pops down again holding a six-pack of lager]
LISTER
What about the poppadums, you didn't forget them, did ya?
[The Skutter passes down a brown paper bag]
LISTER
Ha haaa!
Poppadums...
LISTER
Here's a little something for you...
[He sprays the Skutter liberally with WD40]
LISTER
Same time tomorrow!
[Skutter disappears and Lister closes the roof panel]
LISTER
Cheers.
RIMMER
Is that the Skutter who got you the stiffening solution for the basketball
game?
LISTER
Yeah, he can get anything, can Bob. 'A claw in every pie'.
RIMMER
Tomorrow we're on spud-duty, and those knives are supposed to be as sharp
as a Chemistry teacher's cardigan. Do you reckon he can get us a couple of
good potato peelers?
LISTER
Hang on, I'm on to something here...
Forget the potato peelers, what we want is one of those programmable
viruses from the science block...
RIMMER
Programmable what?
LISTER
Yeah, they used to be on... Z-deck... I wonder if the nano's have
reconstructed *them*? You can program them to do whatever you want: eat
potato skins, you name it.
RIMMER
So we could program them to eat the skins off the potatos, and leave the
rest intact?
LISTER
We wouldn't have to lift a finger!
RIMMER
Two weeks of hell would become 'potato paradise'!
LISTER
I'll get on the blower to Bob's missus, she'll take a message for us.
RIMMER
Bob has a missus?
LISTER
Yeah, Madge. She's amazing; nought to sixty in under ten minutes.
[LISTER begins tapping a complex message on a pipe]
[taps come back, and a long 'dialogue' takes place]
LISTER
Damn.
RIMMER
Can't he help us?
LISTER
No, wrong number.
I got the Chinese laundry.
Do you need anything ironing?
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
"Destination: S.S. Manny Celeste
Mission: Locate missing Canary battalion, radio contact lost at 4:53am"
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
KRYTEN
Now remember, two entire battalions went missing from this ship. Vanished
without trace. We must stick together -
[Exit CAT, KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
- and remain constantly vigilant. One minute, everything's fine, then you
lose concentration for a split second, and you're all alone and easy
pickings for some hostile lifeform.
Oh, I know you think I'm a bit of a fusspot when it comes to safety
procedures, but it's staying alert that has kept us all - kept us -
Hello?
Oh Creator, I'm on my own...
[Enter CAT]
CAT
Hey, buddy! We're in here!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]
KRYTEN
What is the point of me giving my 'stay alert, everyone' pep-talk if no
one is listening?
CAT
What?
KOCHANSKI
Look at this.
[At the other side of the room are five male members of the Canaries. All
of them stand perfectly still, like a peculiar Madame Tussauds exhibit]
[KOCHANSKI taps her watch and activates HOLLY, who takes residence on a
wall monitor]
KOCHANSKI
What are they, Holl?
HOLLY
They look uncannily like something you should be very, very afraid of.
CAT
What?
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLY
Mime artists.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLY
The ones you get in those trendy town centres, that chase you down the
street, and then freeze when you look at them, and everyone laughs at you.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
I've never seen anything like this before. A group of men who display all
the normal lifesigns, but seem totally incapable of movement.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLY
Never seen QPR play away, then?
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KOCHANSKI plucks a small device from the hand of one the men]
KOCHANSKI
'Tempus'; that's Latin for 'time'.
CAT
Latin? I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships.
KRYTEN
Somehow this device appears to have caused Time to freeze. Obviously, they
used it erroneously.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN presses something on the device, and blue arcs of apparant
electrcity arc outwards from it and play over the five Canaries, almost
instantaneously they flash back into motion]
CANARY
Where did -
[The men freeze solid again. An awkward pause ensues, until:]
CANARY
- you come from? And how did -
- you get hold of that? It's some kind of tem-
-poral stor-
-age unit -
KRYTEN
Extraordinary!
CAT
Hey, this could be a great device for settling arguments!
CANARY
Don't mess -
- with that thing, it can re-
-lly screw -
-ew-ew-ew -
- you up!
KRYTEN
It appears to be able to digitise Time, and then download it and store it
on a hard drive. This 'purer' Time can then be uploaded into objects, or
places.
KOCHANSKI
To freeze people?
KRYTEN
Er, technically they're not frozen, ma'am, merely operating in a different
'Time stream'.
KOCHANSKI
So you mean they're moving, just incredibly slowly?
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLY
About the same speed as the average Little Chef waitress. That's why they
don't appear to be actually doing anything.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KOCHANSKI
So, this device has the ability to make Time come to a complete stop?
What else can it do?
[KRYTEN zaps KOHANSKI and CAT, who both instantly turn into younger versions
of themselves. They appear to be aged about six years old]
KOCHANSKI
What's happenned!? Kryten, why are you so big, and why do I suddenly feel
like a Vimto??[word?]
CAT
Waahhhh! You gotta get me back to normal!
KOCHANSKI
Do something! I can't go back like this!
KRYTEN
Why not? You may only be three feet tall but you're both as cute as
buttons!
[KRYTEN zaps both of back to their normal age, but CAT now sports an
enormous afro, and KOCHANSKI's hair falls lank and straight from a
centre-parting down almost to her waist]
KOCHANSKI
Eeuuur! What's happenned to my hair!?
CAT
And what's happenned to mine!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLY
You look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision song contest.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest
of you.
Compensating:
[A third zap, and KOCHANSKI suddenly finds herself wearing skin-tight,
multi-coloured hipsters, a sequinned boob-tube and red stillettos. CAT is
also dressed in similar disco-wear, including a fearsome tanktop and
startling white boots]
KRYTEN
Now its regressed your outfits to a previous time in your lives!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLY
And you *still* look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision song
contest.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN finally succeeds in restoring the pair to normal]
KOCHANSKI
So, here's the question: can you unfreeze these guys but take them back in
Time so they have no memory of finding this?
KRYTEN
I think so, ma'am. Why?
KOCHANSKI
If we can smuggle this back on Red Dwarf, it can make our prison terms
pass in seconds!
KRYTEN
Leave this to me. I have an excellent place to conceal it.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
[They return to Red Dwarf and check in through security. KRYTEN has managed
to somehow enlarge his metal skull, heightening it enough to hold the
device inside]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[A Skutter, whistling the theme tune to the classic war flick 'The Great
Escape', passes LISTER and RIMMER in a corridor. LISTER stealthily snatches
a small container from its claw as they pass]
LISTER
Nice - one - Bob...
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Standing before the potato mountain, LISTER sprinkles their pre-programmed
virus liberally over the foot of the pile while RIMMER looks on. Exhausting
his supply, the pair stand back and wait. And wait]
RIMMER
It's not working, is it?
LISTER
Give it a bit of time to get going.
RIMMER
Look... look!
It's working on this one...
LISTER
Yess!
RIMMER
And here's another!
LISTER
Yess!
RIMMER
And another!
LISTER
Yesss!
RIMMER
And *another*!
Fan-smegging-tastic! Listy, we're on our way! They're gonna do the whole
damn room in minutes!
LISTER
Hey, what's happenned to your sleeve, man?
RIMMER
What?
[The right sleeve of RIMMER's coveralls seems to have been ripped away at
the elbow]
LISTER
Your sleeve; I didn't notice that before..?
RIMMER
My God, they're eating my clothes!
[LISTER laughs uproariously as RIMMER slaps at his clothes madly, which are
disintegrating before his eyes by the second. Pulling his cap off in order
to better slap away the virus, half of his hair comes off with it, and even
the cap has more than half vanished before he gets in more than a few slaps
with it. Still enjoying the spectacle, LISTER suddenly notices that his own
sleeve has dissolved, as well as much of his trousers and a part of his
right boot. It doesn't take long before both of them are completely
starkers and quite, quite bald]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Well?
RIMMER
It wasn't me, sir, it was him. He made me do it.
LISTER
You Judas! I thought we'd agreed to refuse to talk?
RIMMER
Just let me blame you first, then I'll refuse to talk.
HOLLISTER
If I ever - *ever* - see you in this office again, then you're in the
Hole, is that what you want?
RIMMER, LISTER
No, sir.
HOLLISTER
Well then, get out.
[Gestures towards the door]
RIMMER
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
[Misunderstanding the CAPTAIN's gesture, RIMMER shakes his outstretched hand
sincerely. The pair of them grab papers from the CAPTAIN's desks in order
to cover themselves, then suddenly stare at the CAPTAIN with worried
expressions. One of HOLLISTER's sleeves has disappeared... The CAPTAIN
sees their faces and rests his head in his hand resignedly]
HOLLISTER
You haven't been down to the medi-bay to get this virus off, have you...
RIMMER
I probably shouldn't have shaken your hand, sir. That was probably a
mistake.
LISTER
Big mistake, sir.
RIMMER
I, um - we'll... We'll be going, sir.
LISTER
Right now.
HOLLISTER
That's it! Two months! In the Hole!
LISTER
Sir? What about my Athelete's Hand?
HOLLISTER
Now!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[The Canaries are standing in line before a food dispenser. Each prisoner
presses a hand to a scanner and then taps a meal code into the system in
order to receive their rations]
KRYTEN
Straight after lunch, we zap the ship with a two year download of Time,
and the records will show that we've served our sentences, and are free to
be released!
KOCHANSKI
This machine's amazing! D'you think it can do boob jobs, too? Obviously,
I'm just thinking about the future...
[A fracas is occurring just ahead of KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI, up at the
dispensing hatch. CAT, in entering his hand-print, has apparantly knocked
against the man in front of him. The burly prisoner pushes CAT up against
the machinery and looks none too pleased]
BAXTER
You spilled my soup!
[The man passes his full tray to another prisoner]
CAT
Sorry, Baxter! Non-bud! It was an accident!
[Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing
hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit]
BAXTER
Hot Bovril!
CAT
Aaaagghhh!
[Dragging out the bedraggled moggy, BAXTER grabs CAT's hand, bends over his
fingers until the middle digit is clearly extended, and uses CAT's finger
to re-enter the meal code into the dispenser. A fresh tray appears in the
hatch, which BAXTER steals, before taking back his own tray, growling at
CAT, and stomping away]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI and CAT sit together at a table in the refectory. Across
the room, BAXTER is seated with several of his cronies. The big man is
ripping into a chicken leg from one of the trays]
KRYTEN
Look at him... the big lug. I'd hate to clean the bath out after *him*.
He'd need a sander to get rid of the tidemark, and a leaf-vac to hoover the
hair!
CAT
Fix him! Fix him with the Time wand!
KRYTEN
Watch this!
[KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into
something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the
table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the
man beside him in the face, then jumps to his feet, looking for a culprit.
Oblivious, CAT cackles heartily, until he turns around and sees BAXTER
glaring at him. The burly man makes a dive at CAT, but KRYTEN hurriedly
bangs instructions into the newly-christened 'Time Wand', and zaps BAXTER,
freezing him in mid-air. KRYTEN them freezes BAXTER's two remaining
conscious friends, and the three of them make good their escape]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
[Enter LISTER, RIMMER]
BIRDMAN [OOS]
'Ello!
LISTER
Ehh? There's someone in here with us!
[Enter BIRDMAN]
[BIRDMAN is a wiry, grey-haired Welshman, who holds a small bird lovingly
in his hand]
BIRDMAN
Yeah, it's that bloke sittin' next to you.
LISTER
Who are you? What's *your* name?
BIRDMAN
They call me 'Birdman'.
LISTER
Oh aye? Why's that?
RIMMER
Because he really likes instant custard; why do you *think*?
BIRDMAN
This is Pete; 'E's nine years old... which, in sparrow years, is, er...
nine years old. So that makes him, er...
RIMMER
Nine..?
BIRDMAN
Nine, that's right! You met him before, 'ave you?
RIMMER
Two months of this, God!
[A circle of burning metal forms on the ground]
LISTER
What's this?
[The circular section of floor drops away and a Skutter pops up through the
hole, whistling the theme to The Great Escape]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in
progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs
motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players]
[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN]
[BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him]
RIMMER
What happenned to everyone?
LISTER
It's like they're all frozen on the spot.
RIMMER
Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.
LISTER
Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!
[LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and
catches it then pockets it]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT present]
[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN]
KOCHANSKI
Hey!
LISTER
Guys!
KOCHANSKI
Heyy.
KRYTEN
Oh, sirs!
CAT
Buddies!
RIMMER
This, is 'Birdman'.
BIRDMAN
And this is Pete.
KOCHANSKI
We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets
of it, and we reckon it can make our sentence pass in a *nanosecond*!
KRYTEN
Hats off, sirs...
[RIMMER and LISTER awkwardly remove their caps, and KRYTEN zaps them both
with the Time Wand, restoring their haircuts to their previous state]
BIRDMAN
There's somethin' wrong with Pete...
LISTER
What?
BIRDMAN
'E's gone all stiff!
RIMMER
He must have drunk the guards' half-time juice.
LISTER
Not that kind of stiff; he's dead!
BIRDMAN
The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im!
LISTER
He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going.
KRYTEN
I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him
back to life; make him young and strong again.
Watch:
[KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete's cage. There's
is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling,
losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the
floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there
is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck]
LISTER
Holy...
RIMMER
Smeg!
[Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed
humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously]
LISTER
Where the *hell* did Barney's ugly brother come from??
KRYTEN
From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod
family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years!
CAT
There's an old Cat saying, which has particular relevance here; it goes
something like this: "we are all gonna die!"
[Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like
object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's
smooth central claw]
BIRDMAN
Pete? Is that you, Pete?
KOCHANSKI
Birdman!
[Finding his glasses at last, Birdman realises there are some serious
problems of scale going on. He looks up, and up, and up. Pete stares back,
pauses, then sneezes messily in Birdman's direction]
RIMMER
Gezundtheit!
BIRDMAN
You want some seed..?
[Pete roars, and the Dwarfers wince as the T-Rex leans down, jaws wide]
BIRDMAN
That's a 'no' then, is it?
KRYTEN
What now, sir?
RIMMER
Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!
"TO BE CONTINUED..."
[------------------------- END OF "PETE, part 1" -------------------xx:xx--]
[CAST REFERENCE]
RIMMER LISTER CAT
Chris Barrie Craig Charles Danny John-Jules
KRYTEN KOCHANSKI HOLLY
Robert Llewellyn Chloe Annett Norman Lovett
CAPTAIN [HOLLISTER] [GOVERNOR] ACKERMAN [CANARY] MEX
Mac McDonald Graham McTavish Andrew Alston
YOUNG KOCHANSKI YOUNG CAT BAXTER
Holly Earl Perri Michael Ricky Grover
BIRDMAN WARDEN KNOT
Ian Masters Shend
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;
no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms
and corrections welcomed at "raz@matrixcity.org" Thanks.]